Not So Illuminated

When the Family left to go to the Hampstead Theatre, were they already late? At what time did they realise that they were going to be late? Are they the sort of people who are always late for everything? Does it bother them that they are late?

When did the Family realise that they were going to be sitting in the second row, and that therefore their arrival, some ten minutes after the play had begun, would be disturbing for the rest of the audience?

At what point during the Grandmother’s preparations for the evening did she decide to adorn her arms with large clanking metallic bangles? Does she always wear these bangles, or did she wear them especially because they were going to the theatre?

Does the Grandmother hear the noise of the bangles? Is it like when you go into a room where there is an unexpected noxious smell, and before long you no longer smell the smell?

Did the Mother remember to pack lots of sweets for her children to suck on during the play? Were they the kind of sweets that have crinkly wrappers and which are difficult to open?

Did the Mother know anything about Everything is Illuminated, the play she was going to see, based on the book of the same name? Did she attempt to ascertain whether the play was suitable for children?

How long has the Grandmother owned her handbag? What creature donated its skin to make her handbag? Is that creature dead yet? If the creature is dead, then why does the handbag groan and rumble every time the Grandmother touches it?

What does the Grandmother keep in the bag?

Does the Mother decide during the interval to buy her children cokes? Are the cokes poured into large plastic cups filled with ice? After they have drunk the coke, do the children discard the cups, or do they continue to hold onto them, rattling the ice, sucking at the cold icewater, biting into the plastic, crushing and crinkling the plastic in their hands?

Is the Grandmother surgically attached to the handbag? Are the children surgically attached to the plastic cups? Is there some form of genetic predisposition to surgical attachment that has been passed down from Grandmother to Grandchild? Does this mirror any of the themes of the play?

What is the Grandmother’s reaction when the nasty man sitting in front of her thanks her for almost ruining the play for him? Is her argument, that she was disturbed by a man who kept falling asleep and waking himself up with a snore, a valid defence?

Is the man who fell asleep the same man who kept felling asleep during a performance of the Rubinstein Kiss at the Hampstead Theatre earlier that year, and who would wake himself up with a snore, and would then mumble to himself until he realised where he was?

Are Jewish people more or less likely then any other social group to fall asleep at the theatre? Does this answer depend on whether or not there is any Jewish theme associated with the play?

Is the Mother aware of the disturbance caused to the other people in the audience when one of her children cries out “oh no” several times during a scene at the climax of the play where an old lady chastely kissed the hero on the mouth? Or when the child giggles and shuffles nervously during a rape scene?

If she is not, is it because she is concentrating hard on the play, because she is blinded by her love for her children, or because she herself spends most of the play talking to the children?

Did the Family learn anything from their visit to the theatre? Were they uplifted, or moved by the play? In a week’s time, will they remember that they went to see the play? The next time they go to see a play, will any of them behave in a way that is different?