Having been to many gigs in recent months, I have devised a unique system for scoring/reviewing purposes.
In almost all cases, the quality of the performers and my interest in their music is a given; I have realised that what really affects my enjoyment of a gig, and elevates one to the status of supergig (CocoRosie at the Scala late last year) and another to that of a turkey (Stereolab at Koko a few months back) are factors to do with the venue and the crowd.
I have included one performance related category; the sound effects performer. Almost every great act I have seen in recent times has featured a table laden with bizarre items or unusual percussion instruments or some electronic sound production box, which greatly enhance the vibe, the depth of sound and the visual spectacle. If the percussionist can bring a touch or Tommy Cooper / Eric Morecambe to proceedings then so much the better.
The system is as follows:
1. Coolness of crowd.
2. Bob quotient – important enough to warrant a category of its own. Needless to say the more bebobbed girls, the better. I don't want to open up a whole Pandora's Box about hair colour, but without doubt when it comes to the bob, black is best. Similarly the sharpness of the cut, and the shape of the wearer's neck, are key ingredients.
3. Annoyment factor – coughing, rustling, camera activity, phone activity, generally annoying behaviour (sitting on the floor, talking rubbish, smoking, smelliness). In this category, marks are deducted for annoyance - 10/10 is a stress free evening, 0/10 is an evening at the Hampstead Theatre.
4. Sound quality.
5. Comfort.
6. Sexytime – an entirely subjective vibeometer reading.
7. Percussion / sound effect function.
I will also include a number of optional categories which may or not be appropriate on any given occasion. These will not bear a score for the sake of consistency. They might include:
8. Merchandise – its nice to take home a souvenir.
9 Gruff Rhys - any portmanteau concert at the Barbican where an obscure non- English language album is recreated for the first and only time would not be complete without a guest appearance from Super Furry Animals lead singer Gruff Rhys, preferably singing in a tongue other then Welsh or English (eg Portugese, as he did at the Tropicalia gig earlier this year). Also rhyming slang, as in “I’m bursting for a Gruff”. Not to be confused with Griff Rhys Jones.
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4 comments:
So your recent visit to the Hampstead Theatre was spent with smelly people who talked about rubbish...now that is charming, Mr Grabballs.
I think that would be a little harsh; the lady with the bangles smelled of roses and jasmine if I remember correctly
charming! so you had such an awful evening at the hampstead theatre, did you? Personally my evening was ruined by people complaining loudly and embarrassingly about other people and then slagging off the play. i think the bangles and the handbag and the snoring added much to the general ambience of the evening.
I wouldn't say it was an awful evening. The cheesecake afterwards was quite nice.
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